Oh hello there,

Right so after last week’s trauma of having to all locate our arses while recognising its current scary size, I decided to get myself into gear and test my bottoms’ boundaries with none other than my own exercise and meal plan. Both my arse and I are happy to report some success and have this issue under control! How fabulous!

In the process of teaching my bottom some manners (as stated in my last post), I must say that the firmness of my rear ends personality turned out to be somewhat astounding in terms of fitness levels. Not only did I nearly die but I seemed to have somehow survived my gym routine! What are the chances? At this point, my faith in miracles had been restored.

My routine this week was to ignite my inner gym Jeanie and burn some serious calories; 500 of them per day to be exact! To make it easier for myself and to avoid chances of boredom and distraction, I came up with a plan.

This plan was to break up my cardio goal into sets of 10 minutes on different machines and to burn 100 calories per 10 minutes with a 2 minute break between making another machine my next victim, or other way around. I started off on level 8 on the cardio equipment and increased as beast mode took over.

To be honest, this worked out well, but I did start hating life after the first 3 minutes of cardio on most days, and made mental notes to never touch anything potentially fattening or unhealthy again, as one does when struggling for air on the treadmill!

For the most part I survived the torture and was nothing short of a proud Percy this week for pushing through what seemed to be the impossible.

I made friends with the squat rack every second day and did an alternation of different squats, stiff-leg deadlifts and calf raises. It’s all about trying to get to the Town of the Tight Tush now, isn’t it?

On days that were not leg days, I tried out a combination of my own ab exercises and pulled the most unattractive facial expressions while doing so as my core seemed nonexistent. A Sweaty Netty displaying such ghastly gestures is really something you don’t want to lay your eyes on in the gym. New rule: make as little eye contact as possible to avoid own personal trauma!

After the survival of my daily exercise routine, I found it best to fill up on something nutritious. After all, I did make life altering decisions on the bloody treadmill! I made meals (YES, I COOKED) that were high in protein and veggies (lots of green veggies) and super low in carbs and made sure to down at least 2-4 litres of water a day.

Another important decision which I have made is to cut out alcohol from my diet, apart from the odd glass of wine every now and then to keep the levels of sanity intact.

A walk/hike in Newlands Forrest did my friend and I well one morning on the weekend. This was obviously a less visible way to attract attention to ourselves when short of breath and gasping for air. After all, it is a less populated area with minimal eyes watching the struggle. Definitely appropriate to say that the struggle was real!

I think it’s safe to say that my first week of discipline has been a success while arse manners have been taught appropriately. So far, I have more of a well behaved arse and I am excited to take on the upcoming week.


Mycaila – Jade


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